I think this just might be the very first Hump Day picture where I am posting a man, and only a man! I know - what's gotten into me? Well, I thought it was time to give men some credit, where credit is due! They too are beautiful creatures! And, we should celebrate them as often as we celebrate women! :) So, Happy Hump Day!
Me? I'm ok. Been in a HUGE funk. I realized on Sunday (sometime during the day) that I have been sooooooo depressed. Everything has been getting to me. I thought about how I wanted to lay down on my couch and cry on Friday, which was supposed to be my special day off. I even thought for a split second, how maybe I would have been better off going to work. And, I felt so emotional. Then, Friday night I was so quiet. I thought I was just not feeling well because of the weather. Here I was, in Atlantic City, with the love of my life. And, I felt yucky and dull. He always brings out the best in me. I was really confused. I hardly spoke. Thought I was just "thinking" but my mind was blank. Friday night when we went back to our motel (which was a whole different story) - we had a nice, special, intimate time together. But, I couldn't shake my head straight.
Saturday. I woke up to a sweet, loving man who was kissing me and hugging me. Wishing me a Happy Birthday. It was sweet. He had a card and gift for me, that I loved. It was so sweet. Then we got up, and went out. I have to say, the weather wasn't much better... but I was determined to have an amazing time. After all, he is the one person that I want to do everything with. We have such great times together.
It was nice. Our day was good. I just couldn't shake the feeling. BUT, I don't think I knew I was depressed. I thought it was the weather.
We checked in to our new Hotel. It was much nicer than the first one. But, I wasn't able to relax. I found myself sitting in a chair, and unable to lay down and relax. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I thought it was my head. My sinuses were acting up. I thought it was just the fact that I was really anxious to go to the Melting Pot. I was depressed. I just didn't recognize it.
Saturday night. Melting Pot. It was fantastic. It was delicious. It was sweet, and even sexy. We had a private room for two. It was a night to always remember. I was feeling really good. I was happy. However... every time Fred tried to take a picture of me, I was stiff like a soldier. He kept telling me to loosen up. I thought I was. I couldn't understand why I couldn't just kick back, and smile natural for his pictures. I was depressed.... and I didn't even have a clue.
Saturday. I turned 40. I think it really stung more that I would ever have imagined. I have always embraced my Birthday. I have never cared about "the number". I never even understood how people could focus on something like that, and let it bother them. I had no idea the impact it would have on me, emotionally. But, it did. It was that the feelings were hidden so deep..... I had no clue....
And then, Sunday. We got up, had coffee, and hit the road. I was happy. The sun was shining, and the clouds and rain were gone. We were now on longer days, and the clocks were all moved accordingly. I felt strong, and happy. I felt pretty. I was happy to be with my best friend, my sweetie. We had a nice day. And, what a beautiful ride. Later on, we'd be picking the kids up, and heading to Mom and Dad's to celebrate my Birthday. Suddenly, about half way through the day, I felt miserable. Physically - ok. Emotionally - horrible. Could it be that all of the thoughts about turning 40 were weighing that heavy on me? I think not. No way. Not me. But.. you know what? HELL yeah they were. I realized that once the focus was back on me, and my Big Birthday - I would feel anxiety, stress, and sadness. Crap. I never thought I'd feel that way. Not in a million years......
Back to work on Monday. Not much blogging. I just couldn't put my finger on what was bothering me. I couldn't concentrate at work. I apologized to my Co-workers for my mental absence. Nothing was making sense to me.
Bottom line... I've been depressed. In a huge way. This morning I think I reached my breaking point. I was feeling the worst yet... and some things happened, and were said that really bothered me. I was forced to think about the past several days. And, even though I don't like to be called names, or be compared to creatures like Mr Ed... It helped me realize where I was in my head, and In my heart.
I'm good enough. And, though I am not perfect - I am bright, and funny, and all of the things that I listed in my 40 "F" word list. I have a good heart. And, even though I am not excited about turning 40, I am happy to be alive, and loved by such great and wonderful people. I am going to really work on being the best person I can be. I am going to try my best to savor each and every good, positive moment in my life - and learn and get over the not so wonderful moments.
I'm ok. Sometimes we all get depressed and sad. It just really took me by surprise...... And now that I've recognized my feelings, I can move forward.
